This fat girl can:

I thought I would do a little post about some of the misconceptions of being fat people have. I am fully aware that as a morbidly obese person I am much more at risk of many horrible diseases and illnesses, I am aware that I could in theory be a big drain on the NHS- this isn’t a given, lots of fat people have minimal contact with health services, though we are aware we are more at risk. I also think that we are judged harshly by ourselves and others, there are many people who are disgusted by the fact I take up more space than others, and I myself can also feel disgusted and try and fold myself up into the tiniest space I can. So here are some things that this fat girl can do!

  1. I can walk really far, before lock down I walked 12.5miles with my dad, made good time and though I was tired the next day I could get up and walk again if I wanted. Some thin people would find that hard.
  2. Last year I walked 15miles for charity, it was a 20mile walk, but despite training I ended up with blisters and still managed 15miles
  3. My blood test results are perfect-I am not borderline Diabetic, my cholesterol is great, the GP has no concerns about internal health, and neither should anyone else
  4. I can work 12hour shifts as a nurse, carrying out personal care and doing general duties as expected, my weight may make this more difficult on a personal level, I assume, as I have never been slim so have nothing to compare it to. But I am a damn good worker and do not slack off because of my weight
  5. I am a good nurse who is compassionate and caring, I am a good team leader and share mutual respect with my wonderful care team. My weight has no bearing on this
  6. I can be a lot crueler to myself than any other person can be, I don’t need trolls to tell me awful things about myself, I have probably said worse- and am working on this!
  7. I am not restricted, I can dress myself fully, cut my toe nails, clean the house, etc etc
  8. I can spend hours thinking about my mortgage and overpayments, checking we have good deals and working out where I want to go on holiday!
  9. I am trying to know my worth, I am more valuable than my weight alone, my weight is one part of me and in fact, not very important in the grand scheme of me!

This was a small exercise in reminding myself of how much more I am than my weight, that my skills and value as a person are not encompassed in my looks. I follow Iweigh which was started by Jameela Jamil on instagram, she started it as fat people are more likely to be undiagnosed with serious illnesses/diseases, as it will be put down to being fat and not explored. The world can be a cruel place, and so can my brain, so I am working hard on not being ashamed as I take up more space, as what I have to offer is much more than my weight. Within that, I am on a journey to feel more comfortable in my skin, which for me would include being physically smaller, but shouldn’t be defined by weight itself. 🙂

Mortgage Update- September 2020

As of the 1st September 2020 our mortgage stands at:

£146,846

Knocking £408 off the capital this month, not bad going considering this was with our reduced OP of £50. This indicates it will be every third month we will drop into a new thousand bracket. Would have liked to continue the bigger OP especially as now I can check the mortgage online and monitor the capital, nevermind! Life is always up and down!

Take care everyone!

Mortgage Round up for the year!

Gosh, I can’t believe that it has been another year in mortgage world! Received our years breakdown and I do like the look of what progress we have made in this time. Overpayments have varied, as life is never straight forward but overall we are seeing big reductions in the mortgage especially compared to when we first got this mortgage- the interest made up 3/4 of the monthly payment, my goodness that was a painful time!

In December I wrote a post about my plans for the mortgage, including projections on how OPs will shape it. As of the 1st August 2020 the mortgage stood at £147,254. The projection I made in December 2019, based on moneysavingexpert’s mortgage overpayment calculator, was – £147,459 by December 2020. So I am very very pleased to see that the OPs previously made meant we hit that 4months early!

So here is what we have achieved this past year:

£10,201.76 has been paid to the mortgage

£3,193.04 of which was in interest

£7,008.72 of which was capital

Based on the current mortgage balance and rate, another year with no OPs will see our mortgage stand at: £142,607 in August 2021. As it stands, we are still making a small OP of £50, this still makes a noticeable difference long term. We will pay the mortgage off 2years and 2months earlier, saving £4352 over the lifetime of the mortgage. In a year the mortgage would be: £142,001 knocking 601 pounds off the morgage in a year. That doesn’t sound as good as when we paid more, but it is better than nothing and over time makes a big difference. And you never know, we might be able to increase those payments again soon! 🙂

August 2020- Mortgage update!

So, after Tesco decided to stop mortgages and popped us over to Halifax, I have finally managed to logon, reduce the OP- sadly necessary- and find out where our current balance is at! We haven’t stopped the OP, just reduced it from £250 to £50. This means we will be paying £716.72 a month, we can also stop the £50 if needed at any time.

So, drumroll please! Our current mortgage stands at:

£147,254

I am very hopeful to get back into regular updates about the mortgage now I have got access again!

Take care everyone!

Weight part 1

So, I have struggled with my weight for my entire life it feels- in my memory I was always a little bigger than others, except when I was a baby maybe…I always had a little tummy- oh its just puppy fat, you will grow out of it! Except, I would have had to grow to about 10ft tall to have been in proportion by the time I was in my 20’s. I remember very distinctly when I was 11, we went to Florida for the first time, I wasn’t fat per se, but I was soft, and on the first day I ended up with horrid chaffeing on my thighs and it really put a downer on the holiday.

I don’t remember ever being comfortable in my body, it feels as though we have been at war for so long. I remember trying the Atkins diet with my mum and stepdad when I was around 13/14, trying weight watchers by 15 and all sorts of other diets from then until now. None of these things ever helped me, and I feel that they in fact increased my very unhealthy relationship with food. I lived between my parents and they were both very different in the way they treated food. My mum didn’t believe in restrictions or not having certain foods, my stepdad cooked well and we always had access to sweets and chocolates, I would get pudding but had to eat all my dinner first. My dad was very much a ‘we don’t have that crap in this house’ kinda guy, my stepmum is an amazing cook and would make great meals. It was at my dad’s house I first started to secret eat. I would buy crap and eat it in secret then hide away any evidence, I did this from a young age- definately early teens until mid way through my 20’s. Though it wasn’t always a secret and I would definately binge eat too. I spent a lot of time with my grandma when I was growing up, and she would always give me the biscuit tin with my cup of tea and she would allow me to have as many biscuits as I wanted, it was always a lot. I do not blame my family for my poor eating habits, but feel that I was confused about the role of food and treats and always having to eat until over full to fit in a pudding, food was a source of comfort and pleasure, it didn’t judge or make rules and it made me feel happy. I have over eaten for as long as I can remember, always eating until it was uncomfortable, doesn’t matter how big a portion, I would eat it!

I was planning on writing more, but to be honest, this has made me feel quite vulnerable and emotional! I am rarely honest about my eating with anyone, I accept I am fat and do not pretend that I don’t know why. I understand exactly why, I understand how to lose weight but the brain battle and habits are so entrenched and fixed, it is very hard to move forward. Bear with me, I am hoping that by allowing my brain to fart all this stuff, I can help to get it on my side 🙂

Jodie

Lose one debt and gain another!

So in exciting news, we paid off the car loan last week and recieved confirmation in the post yesterday. We will be getting £56 back, and possibly £186 as we paid that as well as the whole balance, the person on the phone was unsure if it had been counted or not.

So we own our car outright! It doesn’t save us any interest as it was a set sum, but it’s nice to know it’s gone! Hubby has his new job and this means that he won’t have to pay the car anymore and goes someway to help with the fact he will be earning about £400 less a month. We will also, sadly, be reducing the mortgage overpayments to £50 until we get used to the reduction in wages, and then hopefully we can play around a bit and increase it again. That is another £200 less to find so this and the car loan should cover the loss of earnings.

So, whilst we have removed the car loan, I have got a £5k personal loan as I am going to have a gastric balloon fitted to help me with my weight loss issues. Part of me wonders if I should just bite the bullet and have the gastric bypass, but that is life altering (and over double the price) and if I can have the balloon and learn to change my eating behaviours (this company offers 18months psychological support) then I won’t need the surgery. That is my plan anyway. And I can afford my loan and pay a small chunk off the credit card every month, without it impacting on the house account or Hubby’s contribution.

So one giant step forward for the car, one small step forward with the mortgage and a step backward getting a personal loan- but ultimately if it can help me with my eating issues, then it will be money well invested.

Take care everyone!

Jodie

And I’m back….

So I went AWOL again, I feel like life has just been weird and constantly full of mild anxiety. We had a horrible time with hubby’s work, my work has continued and we have lost some lovely elderly people (at work, not home, not covid, just end of life stuff) and covid has had my moods swinging like a flag in the wind!

We have continued to over pay the mortgage, pay down the credit card, then added more onto it (more on that later), put on weight and moved less, then started to think about food again and move more…

We made a veg bed and are slowly filling it with gravel, then will come the soil and I can plant plants, I have been infusing vodkas, fun! Hubby now has a new job starting in a month which will see our incomes decrease, and hopefully stress levels decrease. We have booked to go back to Florida in January, have no idea when the wedding we were meant to be going to in New York is going to be so thats on pause.

Little dog developed a lump and has been lame on his front leg, apparently a fatty lump and probable arthritic changes, can do an x ray but he is such a stresshead and treatment won’t change so not doing it. He has tramadol in the mornings, metacam in the evenings, and we continue on yumove. Big dog just seems to be getting so much older, makes me sad, love them both so much! We lost our last three rescue chickens- all different symptoms and vets with no clue over two months, and adopted two more, Florence and Gertrude. They seem pretty happy and healthy, and they lay eggs! From reading, I think that unfortunately ex battery chucks don’t tend to have long lives as they have been egg laying machines. Hopefully they had a lovely two years.

Phew, that is life for the last few months! I am feeling more positive at the moment, so I am hoping to come back and start boring you all! I am also thinking of dedicating part of this blog to my issues with weight as this is a huge part of my life and difficulites and can feel complex and isolating.

We will have some actual money based updates soon too!

Hope everyone is well 🙂

March Money Madness

I just wanted to use some alliteration there 🙂 It hasn’t been too mad.

I haven’t been able to logon to Tesco since December, very annoying, I try randomly and with everything going on in the world, am not going to ring up to check, presuming it is all linked to being moved over to Halifax. Hubby and I have been discussing stopping the overpayment with the current climate, including the uncertainty and fear around his job. Though as we are both earning this month, we decided that April should have the £250 OP still and we will play it by ear from there. We are hoping we can carry on as ‘normal’ if nothing changes financially.

I have made a guess that our mortgage should be around: £150,675 if I have paid £600 capital off a month, which I had paid previously when overpaying £250. I am happy with this, wish I knew precisely, but whatever!

We had to take a chicken to the vets and paid £56 for antibiotics and the consultation, sadly, despite treatment beautiful Echo passed away. We syringed her water and the antibiotic but she didnt make it. Blue, who was the first poorly one, got better really quick and is doing great, now Charlie is poorly. The vet wasn’t concerned it was anything contagious to other animals which is a relief and we are treating them all with antibiotics now. Today I will be collecting the dogs prescription then getting them filled, this will be an expensive day! Completely worth it though. £56 for the anti inflamatories and Desmopressin prescription, a further £123 for the prescription to be filled. Need to explore if we can get this cheaper somewhere else, plus they never have 90tablets in so I will have to go back again to collect the rest. What a pain in lockdown, plus I am working 12 hour shifts. Hopefully hubby might be able to go.

Hubby got a chimney sweep in- £70, he (hubby) has capped the chimney pots as birds then tried to nest in the clean chimneys! Got the caps for free, and some stone for the hearth for free. Paid for the fireboard which he has now installed. Unsure of the cost for this! Our current flue is too short, hubby’s dad left his spare outside their house, so when hubby was out with work he could collect it and not break any lockdown laws! This might mean that we can get the fire up and running! We are having issues with the underfloor heating, we think the boiler needs an expansion tank or something, can’t do anything in this situation though, plus the house is still heating just not well.

The shower downstairs has loose tiles which have been letting water in, so hubby has taken them off, this is another job that will need doing. We have been discussing re-doing the upstairs bathroom, getting rid of the downstairs shower and making a small utility area there instead. Luckily, even though the upstairs shower is crappy compared to downstairs, it is water tight and usable. The concrete floor in the lounge is loose in parts, so need to investigate this at some point. Possibly ouchies to the wallet all round!

This month we also paid hubby back what was owed from Florida, and have only had to pay for gas once. I have moved money across which includes £250 holiday, £150 that Aran had been paying on the old credit card that we have paid off, and then paid himself back with and finally £82 that we have saved by cancelling items during uber frugal jan! So we are moving money, the key is to keep it! Or keep saving to pay for all these things we keep finding wrong!haha. After all the bills go out tomorrow I will do a tilly tidy and work out whats left and what we may need to spend for the month.

In April, we may need two lots of gas, its hard to plan in advance as we don’t know what the weather will do! Got away with only one order in March, so we are probably very close to a new order! We will need to buy more raw dog food and treats, about £40 which lasts over a month, Council Tax will be going out again, boo!

Hoping April will bring the peak and decline of covid19, and some semblance of normality will begin to come back. I hope you and yours all safe 🙂

Ideas for the lockdown!

My lockdown might be different to many, as a Nurse I cannot work from home. My fabulous residents still need me, so I am still going to work, caring for my residents wih my wonderful carers, domestics and handyman, fellow nurses and management! It only feels a little different to me, more phone calls from family, rather than face to face visits. We have the ability for families to skype with their loved ones, so that is helpful as well. On the three days I work 12 hour shifts, the days fly by and everything feels a little more normal! My four days off do feel weird though I am a home bird and have a lovely large garden to feel free in. Here is some of my thoughts on how to help during this very strange time!

  • Make a plan! I am a bit pants without a plan, my day just seems to disappear and I can feel like it has been wasted. If I make a plan, it helps to focus me on achievements, such as, play on the sims for 2 hours, then put a wash on, then watch something on TV, do some online learning, research something interesting etc. I like to tick things off a list, I like to see that I have made something of my day, even if it mostly consists of playing the sims!
  • Build fun in your day! I won’t lie, just before we ended up in lockdown, I had ordered Sims University and Parenthood as they were both on offer. This worked well, as I have thoroughly enjoyed getting lost in this fantasy world, it is a great way to pass time without noticing it passing. This could be the perfect time to finally complete that game on the X-box (hubby), watch that TV series, read an entire book collection. All the things that normal life makes us feel bad for doing, as there are more ‘important’ things to do, but realistically, what is more important that relaxing and doing something fun? No guilt! Though, I was getting stressed trying to make my sim child a well rounded individual, flipping hard work, will stick to dogs in real life!
  • Create a work space. If you are lucky/unlucky enough to work from home, I think it is really important to carve out some space, even if its making a make shift desk from the ironing board! Make sure you take regular breaks, stretch out, make cups of tea, wear whatever you want, listen to music if appropriate. Make work hours and stick to them! If you are an early worm or a night owl, if you can tailor your work day to suit, you may find productivity increases! If hours are rigid, suck it up and get it done 🙂 Do work in a different room to where you relax, try and claim some space where you can walk away from when it is finished to help with switching off.
  • Recognise negative triggers. I cannot stress the importance of this, I honestly found the news too overwhelming, I deleted facebook off my phone, it is all too biased, people spread fake news, people get really angry about irrelevant things, the world starts to feel like it is full of mean and angry people. Deleting it off my phone was great. Not watching the news is easy, I very rarely watch the news, it always triggers negative emotions in me. I am part of a union, they send me daily updates about any changes to government rulings etc, I have the statistical website page on my phone where I can check for actual facts and stats on covid19, I will research any specific information I want to know actual facts too, this all helps my headspace. The more I know, the more fake news and fear can be fought! I still use Instagram as I love this app, I am filling it with dog pics mostly! This is also a good time to delete people from apps who bring negativity, or snooze them for 30days! The other thing I have done, is delete my countdown holiday app from my phone and put all my holiday books away, currently it is very unlikely I will be going to New York, whilst travel is usually a good escape for me, it is currently making me feel trapped and sad. So moving it away until I can get my joy back!
  • Allow feelings. Do not berate yourself for feeling any emotions, it is absolutely normal to feel frightened, angry, sad, frustrated, elated, happy…any emotion is normal when nothing makes sense. Do not call yourself selfish for being gutted your dream holiday, which is all paid and planned may not happen- me- that is understandable, that doesn’t mean you are not taking covid19 seriously, or somehow you are belitting the loss and suffering of those infected, it means you are human. Try not to act on emotions that can be negative, allow the feelings to be present, but then let them go, distract yourself, do something productive, make a cup of tea and think about something else, call someone to chat, research something and most of all, don’t make yourself or others feel bad for having strange and fluctuating emotions at this time!
  • Look after you and yours. You cannot control other people, best will in the world! The sooner you accept this, the less other peoples behaviour will impact on you. Neighbour not adhering to current guidelines? Ask yourself, does it affect me and mine? If yes, then be productive about it, if not, move on. My neighbours can do what they want, as long as it doesn’t impact on me or increase the chances of me spreading illnesses to my residents. Humans are inquistive and naughty, we push boundaries, it is how we continue to develop and learn, so of course some people will push against the current guidelines, people that have the capacity to make choices, can make stupid and dangerous ones. As long as the majority work on themselves and protecting those who are vulnerable, we will manage and get through this crisis even if bob and his family insist on visiting each other and coughing in each others faces, hopefully if they get it, they add to herd immunity rather than adding to the ITU beds!
  • Exercise. Whether you wish to do this indoors, or with your hours allowance outside, do it, exercise helps to reduce stress, it will get rid of tension, it will make you feel more normal, it is good for our immune system and helps to keep us both physically and mentally well. Find an app, use youtube, make up your own routine, there is lots of info out there curently for free! I am still working on this, exercise is something I don’t do enough of, but am trying to do more!
  • Pets. If you have pets, use this time to be with them, snuggle them, pet them, teach them, entertain them, stimulate them. There is so much enrichment out there on the old interweb, things you may have never thought of before, that might just make their lives a bit better during this time and long after! I have heard lovely stories about people fostering pets whilst they know they are at home, what a bloody gorgeous thing to do!
  • Keep in contact with people. I am now part of two family whatsapp groups, it is quick and easy to check in, I have groups with others and will just check in with them intermittently or as I wish. I have seen lots of things shared like ‘pay attention to who contacts you during this time’, but can’t help but think, communication is a two way street, have you contacted them either? It works both ways! Bob hasn’t text me all week, but wait, I didn’t text Bob either! Maybe he is sat at home thinking the same about me! Call people, facetime people, do a group meal over facetime, have a glass of wine whilst chatting together, walk around the garden with a friend on the phone/tablet, we have the capacity to communicate in so many ways now! Be clever, be adventurous!
  • Overhaul your finances, get on moneysavingexpert for all the info on making sure your money is being smart! Use this time to look at spending and working out if you are saving money, and how, what are you not buying? You could come out of this financially better, maybe, possibly. Though money is very strange, hubby’s job is very unsafe right now and that could throw us a curveball. But by doing this overhaul, we will be in a better position to deal with things as they happen.

Most of all, stay as well as possible, uncertainity breeds fear, fear increases stress hormones which makes us more susceptible to being unwell- not just covid19. Sending love to all!

I have been a little absent…

You may or may not have noticed my absence just recently. Even before covid19 shut the entire world down, I have been struggling a little with my mood being up and down affecting my eating massively, which in turn effects my mood!

I am avoidant in my personality, if I feel a certain way, I will shut off and avoid things that may or may not, make me feel worse, or in fact may make me feel better, as feeling shut off feels safe! I have not been struggling with depression or anything more than mild/moderate anxiety around specific situations, and have continued working etc. So it is nothing dramatic, just my brain and I disagreeing and arguing a lot!

Anyway, part of kicking my own brain/butt, is to carry on writing, as it can be really cathartic! So here I am, not in work until Thursday, wondering what I will do today to make me feel like I am making achievements, whilst maintaining social distancing, whilst also feeling very sad about our world, fears about our economy, my husbands future work and quite gutted that we are probably not going to New York at the end of May as we have been planning for 18months, which included a wedding in Central Park. A tiny part of me is hoping Covid19 will f*** off as quick as it seemed to come, but predicitions are that the UK will be hitting the peak in May/June.

I work in a Dementia Nursing Home, all my residents are unwell, both mentally and physically, which puts them in a very high risk group. We are following guidelines and working hard to keep everyone safe. Hubby may have to go and work abroad for a week on and off in another area of his work, as they have closed his local office- if people don’t go, they will have to look at redundancies, which is a frightening concept in this climate. This will put a lot of pressure on both of us, especially with the dogs, though my sister is not in Uni now and both part time jobs have closed, so I could engage her for dog sitting if Aran’s dad is unable to make it in. In good news, her Uni have adapted the end of the degree, so that it can all be done at home and fingers crossed, she will complete her degree and do her PGCE in September!

I have been more spendy these last couple of months, totally linked with my brain and I fighting. I do need new trainers so will be purchasing them and I have had to pay £120 today to carry on Nursing. Though I may be able to claim this back via work, might as well try!

We have decided to carry on overpaying the mortgage at this time, as we both are working and can change this any time if needed. We will wait and see if we need to ask for a mortgage holiday, we don’t yet, so may as well wait and see.

I paid another £200 off the credit card- if New York is cancelled, will probably end up with very little owed on the credit card once we have claimed pay back! It is about £4550 at the moment, still 0% until Dec 2020.

We have almost paid hubby back, so in May, we would be looking at that £150 being moved to the car loan- set interest so paying back doesn’t save money- so that will be paid back quicker- snowballing! Then in theory, we would combine both of these, £150 and £186 with my £200 and smash the credit card. Obviously, this is a little unsure now and credit card debt may change on its own. Hubby may end up losing his job anyways, or we could end up sick and not able to work so every penny will need to be saved, extra payments stopped etc. Also, if we don’t go to New York the £3k saved for that can be utilised in other necessary ways.

Trying to limit time on social media, I find myself getting very agitated by people sharing false news, angry statements, stupid statments, judgy statements. I also think that most people have no understanding of what is happening. We are not social distancing to stop covid19, but to slow its spread, in the UK they are certainly wanting the peak once seasonal flu has buggered off, so that they have more resources to treat it. People seem to think if we isolate a bit, it will disappear. And heck, it might! I am still trying to be a little hopeful that April will see some other awful thing happen and covid19 will ‘poof’ disappear! Every month of this year so far has been unpleasant in some way or another globally.

Have had unexpected pet related costs this year:

Jan 2020- Lady catches Red’s side when playing, he has a skin tear that requires emergency vets and two staples, £96. Healed very well and he is still crazy!

Feb 2020- Red chases a pheasant through brambles…comes out covered in cuts and a thorn in his eye!!! Another emergency vet app, £56. He has healed really well, getting his eye drops in 3/4 times a day was a nightmare! And yes, both dog related issues were on Red, he is a clumsy and crazy boy

So far in March, and there is still time! We have had to take a chicken- Blue- to the vets, as she had become very poorly. We got antibiotics, and she has perked up, but another chicken is now poorly so living in the spare room continuing antibiotics! This was £50. Bloody animals!

I am going to get back into sharing my brain farts, it does help, better out than in! Not been able to logon to mortgage so not been able to see where I am at which is frustrating, still waiting to swap over to Halifax too. Not going to ring as can imagine they are snowed under at the moment, and it will be a year in June so you can expect a big old update then!